Don't get too close

Don't get too close, it's dark inside, that's where my deamons hide. This is a good song by Imagine Dragons. That is quite an inspired name for a band. I feel utterly crap. A lot of feelings have found way through the anxiety and constant depression. That combined with the fear of constantly having to look over my back has led to a meltdown of sorts. I do not fully comprehend why I have to constantly look over my shoulder and why I can't seem to find any solace. There is a burning feeling inside my chest and not one filled with desire. It is slowly and constantly eating away at my insides.
Times have changed and I thought things would be better. They are different but not in the quadrant I'd like them to be in. Soon there will be change, until then lava flows through my veins. I am on a campaign to burn down everything in my way, culminating in self immolation. And then she goes away for stretches of time without a cause. That further fuels the immense longing. This does not seem like companionship. At least not like the ones Doctor Who has. Only if I could tell her everything without fear of repercussion and hurting her feelings. I do want to tell her everything, scar my insides and lay bare my secrets. An unknown fear engulfs my being. I can blame all I want, the unequivocal responsibility lies with me. 

Delayed.

The coconut conundrum and stories of such sort.

Happiness shot like a bullet through my heart.

February is a very good month to be in a cold country, the crisp sunshine is refreshing for the soul.

Sometimes I daydream about music video while listening to songs. I have seen very few music videos.

What defines a best friend? If I can't explain what traits qualify one to be a best friend does it mean I am incapable to have one?

Time to prove my mettle ..

In January 2012

This time the trip wasn't so bad. Whats up with me getting sick in long journeys? First the euro trip now this, with the same gala kharab. This time it was enough to put me out of action for good. However I still have qualms there are still many places I wish to go. For instance, the british library, the national gallery, antiques at portobello and numerous other small things.
There should be no movement without a plan. Plan ahead, plan carefully and plan thoroughly. Then and only with a clear plan proceed. Easier said than done but that is the way to go.
Get a job in London any job, spend some time here, prioritise shit, get yourself together. Life's tough so must you be.

(sidenote added on March 1 2012: listen to Pink Floyd)

Apna maqam paida ker.

میں شاخ تاک ہوں ، میری غزل ہے میرا سمر
مرے سمر سے مہ لالہ فام پیدا کر
مرا طریق امیری نہی فقیری ہے
خودی نہ بیچ، غریبی مہ نام پیدا کر
_

رہیگا راوی و نیل و فرات میں کب تک ؟

تیرا سفینہ کے ہے بھر بیکراں کے لئے

_

نہ تو زمین کے لئے ہے نہ آسمان کے لئے

جہاں ہے تیرے لئے, تو نہیں جہاں کے لئے

- in memory of M. Iqbal (1877-1938)

Lost.

The argument is that this was not the idea. The question then arises that what was the original premise? I hardly remember it now but there are resonating shards left of that great original idea. I must try and eat less and I must also eat a healthy and balanced diet. Why did I come to be? That is a question worth asking. One must also try and pursue the worth of one's existence in non existential terms. Secrets. There is no corner of the universe that I can hide in. There is no force that can change what I have done in the past. I must live with the burden that I have implicated myself in. To me my solitude. Will I ever see a dawn caressing, bouncing ever so slightly off the silhouette of soft features and tender skin. Why me? Why not me? Can someone held understand the thing that I am, the thing I have now become. I wish. I wish I would take more chances. I would stick to my word. I would love dearly the one whose right it is to be loved. A heart void of love is far worse than a dead one. Break the shackles off my heart, give me the sustenance, the vision, the perception to love You, please. I have fallen from grace. I request your hand to get back up again. For without your will all existence is helpless, lost.

The Battle

It has been quite a weird few days. First there was this list of things that I am supposed to do everyday. Theoretically the list is long enough to keep me more than occupied, it is supposed to overwhelm me in my daily excursions. So far, I am proud to report that the items have come up to 13 and with a foul and a miss here and there I am anything but overwhelmed. As time goes by my hand is getting steady at what I do and the time required per task is drastically coming down which will lead me to multi-taksing and henceforth the abysmal demise of this charade. Until the fall I walk in grace, or so it seems.
I must add more tasks to my daily list. I have suddenly and without cause lost the ability to come up with new ideas. I could certainly do with half a dozen more, easily. It as at times like these one feels the need for an adequate companion. Why isn't everyone so lucky as Dr. Who or as wise as him for that matter. The other thing that we must delve the vast recesses of our collective consciousness is for a theme, idea or inspiration for a photograph. My vision seems to be stuck at what I literally see in front of me. I, for the life of me, can not fathom any grievous attempts. I don't understand, what seems to be the matter? I have also resorted to drinking my tea without sugar and I must inform you Mr. Fry it is not whatsoever at al better that tea with sugar. Perhaps it has to do something with the tea bags, perhaps it is inherent in the fact that sugar really is good. I will never know because my mind is tangled elsewhere.
I am looking, my mother is looking. We don't see eye to eye. I hope one of us finds what we are looking for soon. It will inevitably lead to the demise of the other's plan. There is a premonition of a battle somewhere in my mind. I can swear that I heard war cries when I woke up in the middle of last night. I remember looking around for anything to comfort me. I felt around in the dark, nothing. I thought maybe if things were different, if some other soul lay beside me I would reach out and find solace. To my abject despair the hollow emanating from within me resonated the wails of despair. Nothing, it seems can stop the imminent clash.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

It has been quite a while since I have done this. There are a few words resounding in my head at this time. Placebo. Control. Denomination. Then there is this very faint very persistent head ache, at the very back end of my head. I can't put my finger to the cause of it exactly but I can feel it somehow. I'm a bit hungry. The 12 things a day are going pretty well. I saw 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. There is no perfect time to watch it for the first time. Just start watching it and time becomes light :)