Apna maqam paida ker.

میں شاخ تاک ہوں ، میری غزل ہے میرا سمر
مرے سمر سے مہ لالہ فام پیدا کر
مرا طریق امیری نہی فقیری ہے
خودی نہ بیچ، غریبی مہ نام پیدا کر
_

رہیگا راوی و نیل و فرات میں کب تک ؟

تیرا سفینہ کے ہے بھر بیکراں کے لئے

_

نہ تو زمین کے لئے ہے نہ آسمان کے لئے

جہاں ہے تیرے لئے, تو نہیں جہاں کے لئے

- in memory of M. Iqbal (1877-1938)

Lost.

The argument is that this was not the idea. The question then arises that what was the original premise? I hardly remember it now but there are resonating shards left of that great original idea. I must try and eat less and I must also eat a healthy and balanced diet. Why did I come to be? That is a question worth asking. One must also try and pursue the worth of one's existence in non existential terms. Secrets. There is no corner of the universe that I can hide in. There is no force that can change what I have done in the past. I must live with the burden that I have implicated myself in. To me my solitude. Will I ever see a dawn caressing, bouncing ever so slightly off the silhouette of soft features and tender skin. Why me? Why not me? Can someone held understand the thing that I am, the thing I have now become. I wish. I wish I would take more chances. I would stick to my word. I would love dearly the one whose right it is to be loved. A heart void of love is far worse than a dead one. Break the shackles off my heart, give me the sustenance, the vision, the perception to love You, please. I have fallen from grace. I request your hand to get back up again. For without your will all existence is helpless, lost.

The Battle

It has been quite a weird few days. First there was this list of things that I am supposed to do everyday. Theoretically the list is long enough to keep me more than occupied, it is supposed to overwhelm me in my daily excursions. So far, I am proud to report that the items have come up to 13 and with a foul and a miss here and there I am anything but overwhelmed. As time goes by my hand is getting steady at what I do and the time required per task is drastically coming down which will lead me to multi-taksing and henceforth the abysmal demise of this charade. Until the fall I walk in grace, or so it seems.
I must add more tasks to my daily list. I have suddenly and without cause lost the ability to come up with new ideas. I could certainly do with half a dozen more, easily. It as at times like these one feels the need for an adequate companion. Why isn't everyone so lucky as Dr. Who or as wise as him for that matter. The other thing that we must delve the vast recesses of our collective consciousness is for a theme, idea or inspiration for a photograph. My vision seems to be stuck at what I literally see in front of me. I, for the life of me, can not fathom any grievous attempts. I don't understand, what seems to be the matter? I have also resorted to drinking my tea without sugar and I must inform you Mr. Fry it is not whatsoever at al better that tea with sugar. Perhaps it has to do something with the tea bags, perhaps it is inherent in the fact that sugar really is good. I will never know because my mind is tangled elsewhere.
I am looking, my mother is looking. We don't see eye to eye. I hope one of us finds what we are looking for soon. It will inevitably lead to the demise of the other's plan. There is a premonition of a battle somewhere in my mind. I can swear that I heard war cries when I woke up in the middle of last night. I remember looking around for anything to comfort me. I felt around in the dark, nothing. I thought maybe if things were different, if some other soul lay beside me I would reach out and find solace. To my abject despair the hollow emanating from within me resonated the wails of despair. Nothing, it seems can stop the imminent clash.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

It has been quite a while since I have done this. There are a few words resounding in my head at this time. Placebo. Control. Denomination. Then there is this very faint very persistent head ache, at the very back end of my head. I can't put my finger to the cause of it exactly but I can feel it somehow. I'm a bit hungry. The 12 things a day are going pretty well. I saw 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. There is no perfect time to watch it for the first time. Just start watching it and time becomes light :)

Sharp chilly night

You could cut the air, if you had something sharp enough, a Katana perhaps. The night is very clear. The air is light. Cold breeze blowing. It feels like a late Autumn or early Winter night outside. If you had a high enough vantage point you could see for miles, miles upon miles of shimmering lights.

Its as good as any a night to go :)

Rome wasn't built in a day.

Hello my friend.,
its nice to meet you again. i hope you have started to be more dynamic and active since your return from the capital. there were a lot of things i learnt on that trip. that most people behind counters are from eastern europe and that a barista can spoil a coffee by brewing it. and that sometimes its nice to get your coffee from non mass market conglomerates and the small coffee shops aren't that bad. i also learnt the joys of eating salad for a meal. I bought a salad from chop'd (yeah thats the name) I got iceberg lettuce, chick peas, beans, olives, raddish, (which cost me extra) and parmesan and chilli. i topped it off with olive oil. then the guy tossed it. that and water. i could not have imagined that being a goat tasted that nice. you should try it more often.
i also saw platform 9,3/4 it exists! who would have thought. there was construction going on at platform 9 where I got off and three quarters of the way down they had marked a section of the wall as platform 9 3/4. it was nice to see.
i visited fitness first which was a bit cramped. the next day i visited notting hill qnd portobelo road. george orewell used to live on portobello rd. its a nice little street with different coloured houses next to each other. its kinda like the housr i live in bradford but slightly smaller and more robust giving them an airer feel. they looked nice. and the colours were awesome. the colour scheme followed through the next few streets as well. it was a nice neighbourhood, somewhere i'd like to live, somewhere you have an unrestricted liscense to be creative.
the shops down that road were awesome too, with prints from banksys art to pulp fiction posters to leather handbags from india. and they were not overcharging either, it seemed pretty fair to me.
kings cross is a big station, liverpool street is charming and oyster rocks.
but despite all these adventures and a few more I learnt and re-iterated that "ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY", it really wasnt. it would have been a massive logistical nightmare bringing all the stuff in together at the same time and too many planners/managers/important stuff would kill each other. that is how i felt sunday night. like everything was pouring in to the same direction and i had too many important things to do in a very very limited time. i got lucky, as i have so many times in the past. it won't always work, it doesn't, i've seen it first hand. but on the other hand, with a bit of spare time, hard work and earnest effort it is quite easy to build rome from scratch. i'm talking about your career now and like everything in your life I have to come to your recue. you do not usually do welk with conventional methods of teaching when either starting something or when you are not in the zone. so start off with video tutorials, youtube has everything and then some. get going, start making a business analyst portfolio, read cv's of experienced ba's, see what they've done. learn to sell yourself, you shortchange on many a occasion. try not doing that. sell yoursekf well. get sone skills if you want. you have a good summer to look forward to, probably the last of its kind, make the most of it. this is your life and its passing you by, really really fast. live it! go to cambridge/oxford for a summer course. go visit granda in june or july, make plans to arrive at apa's birthday. be wonderful, be yourself. you can do this, it is well within your reach. you just need to get to it and play to whatever works well for you.

talk to people, socialise, go places, do gigs, live a little, eat a salad sonmetime, pray, love God, the fear will go away itself.

take care and take charge of your life.

-on a train from London St Pancreas to East midlands Parkway.

the road to recovery leads through the road to ruins

"the road to recovery leads through the road to ruins" me

I now drive a golf. Not something that sounds like a golf or something that looks like a golf but a golf. A turbocharged golf. :) I am anew